How to survive a horror movie: 2024 edition

Once upon a time, my father the film professor wrote an academic research article analyzing the behavior of horror movie victims in the light of Darwinian theory. He titled it, “Don’t Do That, You Twit!”

It got published. In an academic journal.

As I was the biggest horror-movie nerd within reach, Dad enlisted my help to edit and expand his research. Thus was born my personal list of 100 survival tactics to survive a horror movie. Because you and I, dear reader: we’ve seen what happens when you don’t pay attention at the local cineplex. You end up tripping over roots in the high heels you wore to the campout, and bam! you’re monster food.

Every Halloween for many years, I have curated this list with the help of readers, friends, fellow horror writers and other denizens of the internet to ensure that we will survive the demon onslaught. Unlike the characters of horror films, we are resourceful, we are capable, and we have IQ’s larger than our shoe sizes.

The Rules (which predate Scream’s list in 1996, thank you) are based on the Film Professor’s Darwinian theory — well, sort of. To wit: Those who survive get to procreate. And that’s fun.

So, without further ado: here’s this year’s list of ways to survive a horror movie. New additions are in bold! All the better to see you with, my dear.

1. If the house you’re living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it.

2. If you’re a virgin, stay that way.

3. If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do not run upstairs.

4. For the love of God, turn on the lights.

5. Never split up.

6. Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead.

7. Never get naked in front of a window.

8. Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Haddonfield, remote islands, lover’s lanes, abandoned asylums, carnivals and fairgrounds, secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine. In fact, you might want to avoid New England altogether.

9. Never pick up hitchhikers, especially at night.