How to survive a horror movie

Halloween 2020 edition

Once upon a time, my father the film professor wrote an academic research article analyzing the behavior of horror movie victims in the light of Darwinian theory. He titled it, “Don’t Do That, You Twit!”

It got published. Seriously. In an academic journal.

As I was the biggest horror-movie nerd within reach, Dad enlisted my help to edit and expand his research. Thus was born my personal list of how to survive a horror movie. Because you and I, dear reader: we’ve seen what happens when you don’t pay attention at the local cineplex. You end up tripping over roots in the high heels you wore to the campout, and bam! you’re monster food.

Every Halloween for many years, I have curated this list with the help of readers, friends, fellow horror writers and other denizens of the internet to ensure that we will survive the demon onslaught. Unlike the characters of horror films, we are resourceful, we are capable, and we have IQ’s larger than our shoe sizes.

The Rules (which predate Scream’s attempt to create its own list in 1996) are based on the Film Professor’s Darwinian theory — well, sort of. To wit: Those who survive get to procreate. And that’s fun.

So, without further ado: here’s this year’s list of ways to survive a horror movie. New additions…